I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
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