I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
