I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
