hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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