I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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