Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Randomize
