Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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