I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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