Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
