Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
