I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex