remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
