i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
