i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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