I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
