I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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