I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
