Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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