Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
