I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
