So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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