Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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