So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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