Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
