Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Randomize
