You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
don't judge my taste in strippers
Randomize
