I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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