Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I can't put those talents on a resume
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
