matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Randomize
