i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
