I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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