just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
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