Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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