There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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