I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
