guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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