after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
