My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
