don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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