Me. At least after what I've been through.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
