he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
