Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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