and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
