where am i from again
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
