There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
