so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Holy sore nipples Batman
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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