I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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