I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
