Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
