I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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