I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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