First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
