Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
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He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
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In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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